Marriage

How to Deal With an Insecure Spouse

Marriage takes us through many ups and downs; however, this roller coaster becomes worse if one spouse is insecure about the relationship. Constant nagging, attention-seeking behavior, temper tantrums, mood swings, and fights will characterize this relationship.

In order to successfully survive with an insecure partner, one needs to be:

Very patient.  Try to determine why your spouse is so insecure. Did he/she have a problematic childhood? Were they in a relationship before they became engaged to you? Did that previous partner leave emotional scars? The idea here is to deal with the root cause, and uproot it with love and patience.

Keep them informed about your whereabouts. If their fear is that you will leave them, this simple kindness on your part will assure them you will return. Tell them what you will be doing throughout the day, and communicate as often as possible with your spouse.

Don’t flirt in front of them. If your spouse is very insecure, it is important that you not flirt in front of them, even if the flirting is harmless. Your flirting will leave them more edgy, and they will want to control you more. There are times when friends of the opposite sex call, and you will see your spouse burning up. You could avoid such a situation by introducing your spouse to your friends and facilitate a good rapport between them. If your friends are also friends of your spouse, then he/she is less likely to be angry about you talking to them.

Spend quality time.  This is another major reason why spouses feel insecure with their partners. Lack of communication and love will cause a spouse to lose trust and harbor negative feelings about the marriage. It is therefore important that couples spend quality time with each other.

Share your achievements. Another reason why couples feel insecure about their relationship is ego. Sometimes, when a wife earns more than her husband, the man may experience feelings of insecurity which he will project in various hostile ways. This problem can often be successfully dealt with if the wife shares her achievements with her husband. She could tell him about the work she is doing, ask his input, share and discuss her challenges, ask for his cooperation with the household, and explain why she may be unable to handle it alone. She could also brag about her husband’s cooperation and how encouraging he is. In being acknowledged, the husband also feels appreciated and may, in time, come to accept his wife’s salary as her success.

Show your appreciation. This is another of life’s common courtesies that seem to be waived when it comes to those we love. Why?  If the neighbor did something nice for us, we would at the least say “thank you,” and probably make it even by doing something nice for them at another time.  But when your partner does something nice for you, do you even notice or acknowledge it, much less show your appreciation?  If this keeps happening, it can really demotivate your partner and cause him/her to become very indifferent. No one wants to feel taken advantage of, and your relationship will be greatly affected.  How difficult is it to say “Thank you, Honey. I noticed your kindness and I appreciate it”?

Faithful application of these simple acts of kindness will eventually drive insecurity out of your marriage.

4 responses to How to Deal With an Insecure Spouse

  1. In the actual marriage we didn’t really have any
    insecurity but we seperated because my wife couldn’t
    take my emotional distance and selfishness (a big oops
    on my part) but I’ve been working to repair the damage.
    Well she was caught lieing to me a few times and THEN
    I became insecure. I admit I snooped a bit and checked
    on her whereabouts a couple times. I blamed her for it
    because of the lies and what she lied about but looking
    back at it now I’M the one who’s feeling guilty because
    her parents think I need medication for doing that.
    It hasn’t continued but I feel very awkward with myself
    for acting like that now. The wife doesn’t act like she’s
    freaked out by it or anything but she did say that it
    started to spook her a bit. (shrug) She also understands
    she gave me good reason to be worried at the time.
    I hope and pray that we can work this out for us and
    our 19 m/o little girl.

    God bless

  2. This is the dumbest advice ever given!!! Telling them where you are every momnet just to keep them from being insecure is not helping the insecure person AT ALL !!! It’s keeping them from havimng top deal with what’s really going on with them and if you moved past a prevoius realtionship to the point of marriage the old flame that broke your heart should not be in your marriage as a problem for your current spouse to have to deal with!!! Be kind to people and give advice to animals from now on!!!!

  3. well as of now im going threw this now with my significant other and its driving me nuts!!!!! i have done all of the above but nothing seems to secure his insecurities AT ALL. the only thing i can say is one day those insecure spouses are going to look up and their better half will be gone…….it’s unbearable really.

  4. A.H. said on May 20, 2011

    Thanks for the advice! My significant other and I discussed his insecurities and while he seeks advice on how to deal with his insecurities I seek this advice on how to deal with him and his insecurities. Hopefully we can meet somewhere in the middle!

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